A drunk is driving through County Clare and his car is weaving violently all over the road. The garda pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few blocks back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat. A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think you're getting fucked in there, you'd better come outside... there's a Shriner convention going past."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, 'My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.' The man thinks: 'What does a priest know of sex?' He goes to the minister...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states, 'My son, sex is definitely play.' The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!' The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it.'

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Well? Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." She replied.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Sheikh were having a few drinks in a bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging about his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Sheikh replied, "You fellas haven't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Called in for an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor -- yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his "down the hatch" in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's Bloody AWFUL!!!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And YOU think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Chelsea's back visiting from college, and she and Hillary are having an intimate mother-daughter talk. Finally, Hillary decides to ask the big question: "Have you been having sex?" "Not according to Dad, I haven't."

A young bride to be nervously asks her mother how to make her husband happy. "Dont worry dear" counsels the mother. "just love, honor, and respect your husband, the sex will take care of itself." "Mom," says the girl, "I know how to fuck...I want you to tell me how to make lasagna!"

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells." She sobbed again. "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."